Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Lost My Direction

It is 5 o'clock in the morning and I sit here drowsily contemplating my heart. My passion and focus are gone. Thrown into a frenzy of long work days and out of town guests, house cleaning, laundry, scrubbing puppy piss off the carpet, bill paying and cooking. Creaking back pain and exhaustion, and just like that, it is zapped. Too frivolous to carry on in times of high demand? Too indulgent to make it a priority? I suppose. But I also know I am getting sucked back into the downward spiral of productivity and pressure that has been my downfall once before. Obligation coupled with expectation, self-imposed or otherwise, are very easy to focus on and will quickly pull me off track. When I think about blogging, a heavy wave of dis-interest and exhaustion wash over me. When I think about studying literature it feels so distant, like someone else thought of the idea but is long gone, leaving it broken and lying in the dust. The outside influences in my life are poking through the armor of self-acceptance and purpose that I worked so hard to cloak myself in.

Once again, this is my life and if I don't like the course it is taking then it is up to me to do something about it, stop giving into the demands of others. People look at me now and give no heed to the struggle that managing my daily life costs me. I appear normal, vibrant and healthy (by the grace of God!), but that has been part of the problem all along. It is hard to see what is not right in front of you. Sadly I am letting these pressures effect me, as my internal self will naturally rise to the occasion of expectation if I don't stop her. I never would have dreamed that constructing a life around doing nothing would be so difficult. All I know now is it is time to retreat once again, to nurture myself and narrow my focus.

Thanks for joining,
Leah

1 comment:

  1. "Once again, this is my life and if I don't like the course it is taking then it is up to me to do something about it, stop giving into the demands of others. People look at me now and give no heed to the struggle that managing my daily life costs me. I appear normal, vibrant and healthy (by the grace of God!), but that has been part of the problem all along. It is hard to see what is not right in front of you. Sadly I am letting these pressures effect me, as my internal self will naturally rise to the occasion of expectation if I don't stop her. I never would have dreamed that constructing a life around doing nothing would be so difficult. All I know now is it is time to retreat once again, to nurture myself and narrow my focus."

    Wow. Another nail right on th head. This is exactly where I am right now. I don't know how to do nothing. I don't know how to stop putting other people's needs first, ignoring my body until it collapses on me. I am getting there but it's continually a challenge.

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