Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Little White Pill

One cold and painful night, many many moons ago, I stood staring at the little white pain pill sitting on the counter top laughing at me. I needed the pill, for I was in pure physical agony of the kind only Fibromyalgia can deliver. But I lived on the pill in order to get through work and life and quite frankly, it sucked. I was moody, bitchy, short-tempered, nauseous and constipated. And those were my good days. There were days my pain was so bad I could not take enough to damper it and still expect to live. So on top of being moody, bitchy, short-tempered, nauseous and constipated I was also in writhing misery. Fire coursing through my extremities. There were days off of work where I simply could not take the pill that day, just could not take the side-effects, and condemned myself to lying in bed sobbing at the torturous injustice of it all for twelve hours straight.

Oh yes, that little oval Percocet and I danced every dance, boxed every match, battled every tune. When I was healthy prescription narcotics were something a person took for a short while after surgery or a car accident. Anyone else was thought of as "dependent" or sometimes more specifically "an addict". Judged and condemned without need for an explanation. So how on earth did I find myself at the age of 30 going through over 100 of these nasty little bastards a month? Me? How? I was a party girl in high-school and college but that was long behind me and this was certainly no party. I was an adult with a career and husband and a life full of promise and potential! At least before this pain started I was.

Well the more determined I became to not need the little white pill the more I needed it. Oh such a lose-lose situation, no winner allowed. One of my driving forces behind getting Fibromyalgia "managed" was to get off these suckers. I was living a dulled-out, vacant half-life but also needed to work to support myself. Believe it or not moody, bitchy, short-tempered, nauseous and constipated accomplished working a job far better than unmanaged Fibromyalgia pain did. And I learned a thing or two along the way. The more you take, the more you need. Narcotics create more pain receptors, actually increasing the pain. Hence the need for a larger dose, ie. addiction. I also learned when taking a medication prescribed for a condition by a treating doctor a person is not an addict. I was worried about this one so I asked my doctor. He asked me if I was breaking into cars to steal stereos to pay to obtain drugs illegally off the street. When I answered no he reassured me I was not addicted. I also learned living on them for the rest of my life would most likely severely compromise my internal organs and shorten my life. So I set about figuring out how to get off them. I don't take anymore than a few pills a month for severe breakthrough pain these days. Whenever I wake up the next day I thank God I don't have to live on them anymore. I also learned I would have never gotten here, not needing them, without them. They were part of the treatment plan that got me here. In so many more ways than one.

Thanks for joining,
Leah

11 comments:

  1. I am taking a prescription drug as well for the fibromyalgia. I too worry about becoming "dependent" upon it. The pills are to be taken 6 hours apart and the pain comes roaring back about three hours after taking it. Then what do I do? Its a vicious cycle. The state I live in has my name on a list as someone who uses a certain type of drug for a confirmed diagnosis. Talk about making innocent me feel like a druggie! I guess it weeds out the ones who use the drugs for recreational purposes and who shop around for doctors.

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  2. Oh.My.God. I've GOT to get my fibro managed too! How do you do that and keep a full time job and raise three teenagers??? Especially when I'm too tired to do anything when I get home. I may not be "addicted" to Vicoden, but I don't want it to shorten my life.

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  3. How did you manage to decrease your drug need? I have just assumed that I will be taking Lortab the rest of my life. I've been on them for 18 years now. I do not break into cars or rob people either but the medication regimen is quite ridiculous at this point.

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  4. Hi there,

    WOW, this post is right where I am today. Living with fibro and only living my day with the help of my pain med's..I have now come to the conclusion that I WANT OFF of these things. Like yesterday! But I am now afraid of the withdrawals. I have googled, youtubed, and researched all about detox'ing and it sounds horrible. Can you maybe share how you were able to get off of your pain medication? This month I am gonna try like hell to ween and detox and hoping for some sort of miracle..Deanna ;)

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  5. I don't have a simple answer about how I recovered enough of my health to get off narcotics. It is long, complicated and personal to each person. I have put everything I know, what has helped me, on The Fibromyalgia Crusade website. It is a journey towards health. Hard, long and scary. But for me it was one worth walking. http://www.fibromyalgiacrusade.com/Home_Page.html

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    1. I've just found your blog and I'm finding reading about your journey with fibro may be of help for my own journey. I have crohns disease, degenerative disc disease, fibro...etc...On many different medications including cymbalta and pain medication,steroids...etc... It's been extremely hard to do much of anything physically and without all of the medications,remicade is one also, but without all of them I would be completely bedridden. Your blog, what I've read so far, shows that there may be a ray of hope afterall. Thankyou for your courage to share this part of your life with the rest of us that are going thru our own personal journeys'.

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  6. I know exactly what your saying about the Cymbalta OMG the withdrawals from it are pure torture but I'm glad I'm off it and back on Neurontin, as for my pain meds ,I'm 60 yrs. old been on them for 12 yrs. now and I don't ever plan on living without them, my life is hardly bearable with them so without them I can't see me ever getting out of bed, for those who are worried about the effects Percocets have on your body, for years now I've been on the Percocet 30mg with NO tylenol so you're only getting straight opiate nothing harmful, am I addicted YES I guess you could say I am because I HAVE to have them otherwise I'm sure I would have killed myself already if I had to live with the pain I have (not just Fibro, lots of other pain also) I take what the Dr. prescribes for me and it manages my pain (most days) I'm not ashamed to take them no matter who chooses to judge me, without them I would not be able to function on any level and certainly couldn't raise my 2yr old grand daughter so I thank God and my Pain Dr. and NARCOTICS for allowing me to hopefully fulfill my promise to love and protect her always...by all means if anyone wants or needs to stay on their pain meds ask your Dr. for something without Tylenol...may God help all of you deal with this demon we live with every day for the rest of our lives..

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  7. Many people with Fibro (I also have CFS) believe they CANNOT live without narcotics. I was one of them. I've had this for 17yrs. I was at the point that they didn't help anymore. I was going to have to get something stronger. But FORTUNATELY, and this is going to sound strange, I became suicidal. My brain was mush, my life was confined to my house. I thought all I needed was another anti-depressant. I had tried most of them. SO, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital to keep myself safe. And they gave me detox drugs to help. It was the worst week , pain-wise, of my life.

    But the team of Dr's convinced me my pain level would lower and my mind would clear IF I stopped all narcotics. So I did. I was there for 5 days. When I came home it took several weeks before my brain felt "normal". That was a year ago. I still have severe pain...but for shorter periods of time. I just have to suffer on those days.....because the other option is no longer an option for me.

    all I take now is Lexapro, flexeril, valium (to keep calm during pain)and mobic for painful stiff joints.

    I will NEVER go back to lortab, percocet etc. ever again. I have my brain back and that's important to ME.

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  8. I have been on narcotics for 10 years now----same dosage. My doc switches me back & forth between a couple different ones every couple months so as to not get used to one or another AND it makes them work well that way. I couldn't live without them. Some people ( done the right way ) have a MUCH better quality of life and can actually function-----thats me. Also opiates do not ruin your internal organs------its the tylenol thats in most of them that actually harm your liver, and you can certainly get opiates without that in them. I take the oxycodone without the tylenol. Also as long as you stay under the recommended 4000mg of acetominophen a day & get your liver profile done regularly----you're fine. You can also get vicoden now in 325mg instead of the 500mg or 750mg. Opiates are not all bad. They have saved alot of us from horrible disabling pain. Just as fibro affects us all differently, so do the meds given for it. I cannot take any of those antidepressants given for fibro as I get VERY sick from them, some people have great results though. And those type of meds have weird side effects that I am not willing to live with but I would never talk negative about people that need them & get good results from them. There isnt a med out there that comes side-effect-free. We all make choices as to whats worth it for us. But opiates do not ruin your internal organs or shorten your life---when taken properly. I have worked & talked with enough doctors and pain specialists to know that is not true.

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  9. Great that you have gotten off the pain meds, but I have been taking Lortabs now for about 3 years. I don't need them every day and when I do take them it is usually one dose in a 24 period. Your blog kind of perpetuates the guilt that is put on us by many in the medical society that we just shouldn't need these meds. I would probably take them more often to have a more productive life but do not because I want them to work when the pain is unbearable. Most people with Fibro probably put up with the pain and take the meds only when absolutely necessary for fear of developing dependency. I do not work, but if I did or had to raise a child I would have to use these meds to get through many a day. Now I have the "luxury?" of not working and my children are raised so some days I just stay in bed with a wonderful DH seeing to my needs. I will never, ever judge those that need narcotics to cope with this hellacious disease but almost everytime I swallow a pain pill I load myself up with enough guilt thinking I should be stronger and put up with it....so I am happy for you that you do not need the pain meds but please do not add extra guilt to us that do. As you well know we get enough of that already.

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  10. Anonymous' from March 6 I would like to thank you. I read your feedback and realized my intended message was muddled in this one. I appreciate all viewpoints, for we never know where a chance to grow and improve comes from.

    Thank you,
    Leah

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