Wednesday, June 14, 2017

The Failure of Sick

It has becoming increasingly clear I have outlived my usefulness. Who I am has become intolerable. I'm too emotional, in too much pain, too angry, and contribute nothing positive to the world. I drain the resources of the people who are unfortunate enough to still be stuck with me. Perhaps if I behaved better, or could get a grip on how upset I am over how bad I hurt, I could reclaim some of my purpose. But I can't.

I beat my head against the wall daily trying to find 2015 me. Where the hell did she go? Instead of a vibrant and vital woman who believes she can conquer any obstacle, I'm a shell-shocked, quivering mess of Jell-O who can barely say my own name. But I do not blame the people in my life who have grown so contemptible toward me; I sympathize with them. I am a mess. I am an undesirable person to be around. I have ruined people's lives because I was (insert verb) enough to get sick.

I dream of what it would be like to have an illness somebody believed in. I wonder what it would be like to not have to play court jester every time a flare came up, least anyone be bogged down by how miserable my reality actually is. Some people don't have to be cheerful and upbeat all the time, especially when they feel awful. I can only imagine that must be like the sweet song of freedom, to be able to tend to oneself without failing the world in return.

I actually learned years ago how to ignore my symptoms and pretend what I'm experiencing isn't real. I got so good at it, I walked around for four days after I had a stroke before I had another one and went to the hospital. But something changed. Somewhere along the way I became egomaniacal enough to believe I mattered, my truth mattered, and some doctor out there might be able to do something about it.

Now I know the truth--I am not allowed to be sick. I am not allowed to feel my symptoms and react to them. I am not allowed to try and make myself comfortable to ride out what should be a physical experience, but because of over a decade of psychological damage has become an emotional one. I'm not allowed to show anyone how I truly feel. My existence is bothersome to people, and my problems are my fault anyway for not getting better by now, and I've really screwed up everyone else's plans for their lives...

Please believe I never set out to become this pathetic. I never asked for any of this. I tried, so hard, to mind-over-matter fibromyaliga and rise up above my symptoms in order to achieve life. But that resolve is gone. My hope is dead. My faith is shattered. And I have absolutely no clue how on earth I'm supposed to keep doing this.

Thanks for joining,
Leah

10 comments:

  1. i hate the just push through people.there reaches a point when you cant.we have a chronic incurable illness and it should be expected to change our life ,its not weak or giving up its reality.xxx

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  2. Leah! I somehow fell off of your subscription list. Was thinking about you today and remembered long enough (lol) to look for you. I'm so glad you are here! You are not a bother to me, I have been inspired by you, seen your strength, seen you stumble and I hate to hear you sound so defeated. I wish I were there to give you some of the strenth I now have. Because I got strength from you so often. And I relate to almost every emotion you are feeling. I have experienced the indifference of those who once loved and supported me who now are just tired of me. And the doctors who have betrayed me, although there is one who never has. And emotions, forget it. I can't talk about anything that matters without crying. Perhaps my strength was best tested 2 weeks ago when my Mom had a cancer scare that is still on going. My sisters decided I should be the one to handle it and I tried. I did handle it, but not as well as they wanted me to so the continue to be disgusted with me. I can't care anymore. I chose me and I can't take care of myself if I'm giving energy to people who don't understand. Perhaps you need to be in this space for a while, but please be easier on yourself. You did not ask to be sick anymore than I did. If you feel it's your fault then it means it's my fault and everyone who has Fibromyalgia is at fault and you know that's not true, right?
    I'm going to try and PM you. I'm not even sure you remember me, but I remember you and I do care!

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  3. Not sure why they are saying my name is "unknown". It's Lorraine Calvert.

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  5. Thank you! I am in the midst of a flare up and it's nice not to feel alone.

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  6. As a sign of gratitude for how my son was saved from fibromyalgia , i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
    My son suffered fibromyalgia in the year 2013 and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because he was my all and the symptoms were terrible, he always complain of joint stiffness, and he always have difficulty falling asleep . we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure him. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony by someone who was cured and so many other with similar body problem, and he left the contact of the doctor who had the cure to fibromyalgia . I never imagined fibromyalgia has a natural cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my son will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my son used it and in one months time he was fully okay even up till this moment he is so full of life. fibromyalgia has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on drwilliams098765@gmail.com on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my story

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    1. thanks kate for such a useful information and a good recommendation with his herb am now also free from fibromyalgia am really so grateful .

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  7. Hi I stumbled upon your blog by chance, and I'm incredibly sorry to hear about how hard your condition has been treating you. I sincerely hope that things become brighter for you... it's okay to reach out for help and to admit that things aren't always okay. And you are screwing up nobody's life, don't be so hard on yourself. Take care.

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  8. WOW ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS I HAVE NEVER BELIEVE IN HERBAL REMEDIES.
    my son have been a patient of fibromyalgia . I had tried a lot of anti viral med prescribed to me by doctors over how many years now but I could not see any improvements in my son symptoms. One day while going through the internet , i got to know about this great Herbal Dr who uses his herbal remedies in curing people from fibromyalgia ,quickly i contacted him and he prepared a herbal medication for my son which i received and he used it as instructed by Dr Williams. After few weeks the improvement were very visible. the chronic muscle pain and the tightness of the joint stopped, I would really recommend this to all my friends,families,around the globe suffering from fibromyalgia. you can contact him through his email on drwilliams098675@gmail.com.for advice and for his product ,his a good man and am very happy to give this testimony.

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  9. ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS FOR THE GREAT DEED HE HAVE DONE FOR MY DAUGHTER?
    My daughter suffered from fibromyalgia for more than 12 years which we started experiencing in her when she turned 8 year and 5 months we all thought it will end but got even worse as days went by. We tried all several treatments and therapy prescribed by various doctors we met but to no avail, she always complain of joint stiffness, and have difficulty falling asleep. She usually tells me she feeling tired. This were steady disorder that disrupted her entire life, even at night she slept less because of this.It was during a casual conversation with a friend that i learned about Dr Williams herbal medicine I was able to contact him on his email address. and give him all the necessary information that he needed,few day later he sent me the herbal portion and his medicine was able to restore her back to normal and she is very okay now without any side effects whatsoever. If you have fibromyalgia, do not hesitate to contact him on drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product. I hope this also helps someone out there

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